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September 13 Returning On a Bad NoteSo, it's been a while since I last posted, and I've really just gotten out of the habbit, and not sure what/how to say things. But lately, I don't know, I'm just been really bothered. And I guess I need to revert back to my old stand by for venting.
So, as usual I know I shouldn't feel this way, but, knowing you shouldn't feel a certain way, and feeling it are two completely different things. I try so hard to just 'not mess up' but it seems that all I can do is mess up. I'm no good at keeping my mouth shut it seems, and I always say the wrong thing. And it's not all verbal, so often I just zone back into my mind and think "What the Hell are you doing Brian?!?!" I'm just losing every battle I'm fighting with myself. I've lost every battle, and I'm going to lose the war, but what else can I do but keep fighting? I gotta keep trying to just not mess up. It sounds like it should be so easy, and I think it probably is. But I just am too stupid to be able to do it. If it was a centralized thing that only hurt myself then that wouldn't be so bad. But when I see my screw ups effecting others around me, especially those I care a great deal about I just see myself as such a failure as a friend. I know a great deal of my friends dislike me saying this, but it's my job/duty as a friend to make them happy and have their time spent with me make them feel better then when they arrived. But I can't even do something as basic as that right. I'm just so sick of failing that I'm at the point where I no longer want to try. If you don't try, you can't fail, you may not be able to succeed, but at least your not failing. Then I think of the book, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest : "I may have failed, but I tried, and that's more then any of you can say." But as much as I try to follow that, I just can't help but think about how my trying just ends up backfiring and hurting others.
Well, sorry to come back on such a bad note, and to return to my usual depressing tone. Hopefully this will help get it out of my system and I can provide something positive or ammusing in the future. Once again, Sorry. August 02 Weekend at Cori'sSo, last thursday I commenced a plan that had been in the works all summer long. Cori's roomie and myself had tried to plan a supprise party for her around her birthday, but people were either going to be gone or some other complication came up and the date kept being pushed back. Eventually we nailed down a date (more then a month after Cori's birthday). So, thursday I got up and drove to Bozeman. I arrived at Cori's around dinner time and supprised her. And there was great rejoycing throughout the land. The next day was the bigger supprise. I had planned to get Cori out of the house (so Brittany (her roomie) could get people over/things set up for her party) by going to feed the ducks at the duck pond on campus. But, we ended up feeding the ducks earlier in the day so I had to think on my toes when the time for me to get here out came around. I asked if she wanted to go to walmart (sounds fun eh?) but she had been quite recently, so I asked if she wanted to go to a bookstore. She was ok with that idea so I took her to Barns & Noble and walked her around the store looking at books for just under an hour. Probably not the most exciting way to keep a person occupied for an hour, but the best I could think of. So, after we got back to Cori's appartment lots of her friends were waiting for her and supprised her. Much cake and hotdogs were eaten, and good times were had by all. The next morning brought Cori's third supprise (though, this one not planned). One of her old roomies whom Cori hadden't seen in a while was in town and Called Cori and Brittany up. Needless to say Cori was quite happy about this supprise as well. Cori and her friends had been planning to float the river that day; but do to the arrival of Erika (the other roomie) and myself, and the costs related to renting tubes, a decision to go to the lake was made instead. Aside from the abundance of rocks instead of sand on the beach, and the disgusting surplus of bugs, it was a good time. I got sunburned fairly bad, but it's gone since then and I'm back to my pasty white self. We also went out to dinner that night where I proceeded to have far too many Sherly Temples like I usually do, and then the night kind of slowed down from there. Sunday Cori and I went over to Eli's (Cori's 4th roomie from last year) and had brunch with her and Erika. The four of us then proceeded to watch three episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I'ld never really seen it before, but it was quite good. Got some laughs out of it and hey, you can't go wrong with people fighting zombies and vampires among other things eh? Later that night Cori and I went do Dairy Queen for ice cream. For some reason Dairy Queen seems like 20x more popular in Montana then in Idaho. Anywho, it was good, and we were actually getting somewhat cold from both the ingestion of frozen dairy products and the sudden drop in the outside temperature. The next day I said my goodbyes and commenced the long drive back to the C.O.T. So, that was my weekend. Good times eh?
One last little thought: Why is it that fans always go from 'off' to 'High' to 'Medium' to 'low' ? Shouldn't it gradually go from off to high? Why the sudden jump in speed then the gradual slow down. In order to get it to low, you have to go through High and Medium, two speeds that are too fast for your desired use. If it were the other way you woudl be going through lower speeds and building up to the desired use. I don't get it. Probably some rational behind it, but oh well. Life goes on. Until next time. July 22 FamilySo, my mother and brother both came home on the same day, and we had an 'extended' family get together at my aunts house. I ended up staying there much longer thanks to the asking of my cousin to help keep her sane, while the rest of my family went home and visited with my brother about his first month or so at his new job. My cousin is becomming my apprintice (in a sense) in dealing with our family. For quite some time my policy for dealing with my family has been to sit in the back and quietly observe. That's also how I deal with any large group of people, but that is neither here nor there. So, the past year or so, she's been joining me in my reclusiveness (good word eh?). And I've been sharing with her a few of the 'secrets of my trade' (I know it's a somewhat over the top term, but it does add flavor doesn't it?). And like I've said earlier, it's drawn a lot more attention then usual from my grandpa who still has the disgusting idea that we'll get married someday. Just because were not blood related doesn't make her any less my cousin. We've both grone acustome to doing our best to 'smile, nod, and walk away'. But the one thing that really got both of us, and me especially was when our one aunt (whom people tend not to like much anyway) came up to us and insinuated the same thing and took it a step further by personally attacking me because apparently as a male she 'knew' the dirty thoughts that I had about my cousin. Now, I took this the best I could and just played stupid and tried a subject change. But this (female dog) decided it wasn't enough and moved on to very rudely insault my brother. And not in a joking loving way, in a degrading cruel way. And, as any sibling knows, nobody has the right to verbally attack your sibling. So, I layed into her fairly heavy while refraining from curse words only because of the company, walked away from her. Then, the rest of the night she tried the "I'm too much better then you to apologize for being an @$$ so I'll just try to make you laugh" approach to me. Which only pissed me off more. All I wanted to do was punch her in the face, and she thought that putting ice on my leg would be a good idea in this situation. And she basically tried stupid stuff like that the rest of the night. And lucky me, I get to go to my grandparents aniversiary party today and be around her more (even if it is as little as possible). I just hope she leaves me alone because I have a very hard time holding my tounge when I'm angry. Hopefully by the next time I'll see her at thanksgiving it'll have passed and she'll know better then to be a complete @$$ to people. Well, sorry about the angry rant, but I was very worked up about it. Until next time. July 11 AlterationsSo, it's just me and my father at the ol' Mattison household. My mom is in deleware taking care of her aunt for 2 weeks. Her aunt was in a car accident a few years back and is now in a wierd semi-vegitable state I guess I woudl call it. She can't so much on her own anymore, she can only say "no" and hit stuff with her right arm. It's really sad, awkward, and hard to see her like that. Especially for my mom who was very close to her. I've also decided that the 26th will be my last day at the pond. It will give me time to relax, go to Andrew and Amber's wedding, and hopefully go to Takoma to visit my brother and Angie. Then it's back to Bozeman for another year. I'm going to be a Junior, scarry stuff. Anywho, today I had dinner at my aunts house with my Papa's family from France. It went as most of my family get-to-gethers go. I stayed in the backgroud and tried to not say much. But my family, as always, found ways to embarrass me. My papa tried to hood me up with my cousin again. I still have no clue how to get my papa to stop, we both just try our best to laugh it off. On the lighter side, I did get my first 'double kiss' greeting in a long time. (the 'double kiss' being the kiss on each cheek that europeans tend to give). It's kind of awkward at first gut a like it as a greeting. A lot more personal then a handshake. Anywho, good times. Until next time. July 06 FittedSo, got fitted for my tux today. It went alright except the sales people were really rude. Gotta love being treated like your an unworth pest instead of a customer. Andrew and I were basicly told to not look at the suits, instead we need to just sit and wait for a person to measure me, heaven forbid we look at suits while we wait. But we got it done, and then we recycled cans and then got the cheapest McDonalds we could get. 4.20 for 2 people was a good deal for lunch. Then Andrew and I just watched TV and hung out. Nothing too exciting. Until next time. July 04 Independence DayHappy 4th Of July!
In the words of Apu from The Simpsons:
"Celebrate the birth of your nation by blowing up a small piece of it."
So, I finished house-sitting for my aunt/uncle; aka, I can get a good nights sleep. My neighbor also had a big shin-dig (I love that term) and friends and family came over and whatnot. My papa (grandpa, but he's basque so we all call him papa) was there, and I love him to death, but he has this wierd dream that I'll marry my cousin. Now, don't get all Hill-Billy on me, she's not my cousin by blood, but in my book, that doesn't make it any less wierd/bad. She is more my cousin then any of my blood cousins, just like my Grandma and Papa, are more my grandparents then any of my blood grandparents. Not that I don't love them, but I just have never spent a lot of time with my blood family. But that's a topic for another day. But basically, its been brought up a number of times over the past few years to both me and my cousin that "we'ld be good together." You can immagine how awkward that is for me as well as my cousin. But disagreeing with your grandparents isn't that easy, the most I can usually do is the "Smile, nod, and laugh" stratagy for getting out of a conversation. So, ya, that was awkward, but family is family eh? When it was firework time Andrew and Amber came over, I hadn't seen Amber in a while so that was cool. We were talking about fireworks and we came up with this:
For fountain fireworks (the basic 'leagal' ones you get in those 'value packs') there are only three different things they can do. And the only difference from firework to firework is the order, and length of the firework.
1) Whites - This is when it shoots up a bunch of 'white' sparks
2) Colors - This is when it shoots up a few sparks of various colors
3) Poppers - There are 2 subtypes there, the big ones that make noise, and the little ones that don't
Through in a few 'whistles' at random times and you have a fountain firework.
Don't believe me? Try it out, watch any fountaion firework and you'll notice, that every one has those 3 things in a random order. And the only difference a 'big' ones has is that it does it for longer. So, I find it funny when peopel go out and buy a 50 dollar firework becasue it's big and has cool graphics and a cool name. When in all actuality, it's just a bunch of little ones linked together. That's why I like to spend my 4th watching other people light off theirs (legal and illegal alike) instead of buying some that are just the same thing, over and over and over again.
Anywho, after fireworks, the three of us went to Sherries for late night food. Shakes and Appatizers, that's the way to do it. On that note, they need to make straws that are extra wide just for oreo shakes; because the little pieces of oreo always get stuck in the straw and you can't suck anymore up, so you have to blow it back out. But that is neither here nor there. But anywho, it was a good 4th, and aside from my papa making me feel VERY awkward, an all around good time. I hope everybody else had a good one too. Until next time. June 21 Silly CatSo, yesterday when I went to go start painting for my aunt she didn't have the paint ready. So, she told me to just come back tomorrow (today as it were). And thusly, things those actions were carried through. (Oh, I like how 'Military General giving lagistic breefing' that sounded). So, today I got there a bit before 9 and she still didn't have paint. So, while I was taping the windows my uncle stopped by the store and had them start getting paint ready for me. By the time I finished taping the 1st floor windows the paint was ready and I drove to pick it up at about 10 I started painting. I got the paining done on the trip of the windows in about an hour and fifteen minutes then another 45 mins of clean-up. A funny thing happened while painting. I had the lid to the paintcan just sitting on a rock next to me and my aunt's cat walked up to it and put it's paw on the paint on the lid. This freaked the cat out and it tried to run around the yard with three feet. So my aunt had to run to go catch it, and then take it inside and forcivly wash it's paw with water. While paining I coudl hear the cat yelling inside while it was being washed. Good times. So ya, there is a nice light-hearted story about a cat getting paint on it's paw. **Warm Fuzzys** Until next time. |
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